


I Miss You

by Juliaenerys



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, I don't know, M/M, SO, but fluff and a bit of smut too, em so basically this is a tiny thing i wrote at 2am, it's kinda sad i guess, it's meant to be read while listening to blink-182's i miss you but uh yeah, never gave such a shitty title to any of my fics ever but ehh, this sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-02-18 06:54:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2339216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juliaenerys/pseuds/Juliaenerys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>June, 2013</p><p>Luke drinks lemonade in the garden, reading a book about rock music. Calum gets out of the house, fresh-baked cookies in his hands. The chocolate chips are melting. He grins and Luke presses a kiss on his cheek when he sits down with him. They both eat the cookies and Luke shares the lemonade with him, then they go back inside. Luke has a shower and Calum joins him in the middle. They make love the slow but pleasant way. For dinner, there’s chicken and potatoes. Luke is happy to slip into bed that night. He hears Calum sob softly at about 3 a.m., but he doesn’t find the heart to talk to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Miss You

**Author's Note:**

> it's a "through the months" kinda thing and it's not in chronological order at all good luck ily
> 
> and yeah you can read it while listening to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaCYaR7lYwA  
> or this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VVSX1SXUbE

November, 2013  
  
After a walk in the park, Luke is sitting on a bench, Calum’s head on his lap. His fingers run through the young man’s dark, dark hair. It’s soft under the touch, and he can imagine its light smell without any effort. Calum’s eyes are closed. He looks peaceful, Luke thinks. His chest raises and falls slowly, steadily. Brown, dead leaves brush the pavement without a noise. Autumn is on its way. A cold wind blows, slipping its way through Luke’s jacket. He shivers. They stay on the bench for two hours.  
When Calum starts crying again, they get back home.

  
  
June, 2013  
  
Luke drinks lemonade in the garden, reading a book about rock music. Calum gets out of the house, fresh-baked cookies in his hands. The chocolate chips are melting. He grins and Luke presses a kiss on his cheek when he sits down with him. They both eat the cookies and Luke shares the lemonade with him, then they go back inside. Luke has a shower and Calum joins him in the middle. They make love the slow but pleasant way. For dinner, there’s chicken and potatoes. Luke is happy to slip into bed that night.  
He hears Calum sob softly at about 3 a.m., but he doesn’t find the heart to talk to him.

  
  
March, 2014  
  
There’s that bakery in the city centre where Luke often buys cream bread. When he comes back from it on a Saturday morning, he finds Calum sprawled on the sofa with a box of aspirin in his hand. On the coffee table, an empty glass sits still. “Does your head hurt?” Luke asks. Calum grunts and doesn’t answer. “Do you want a cream bread?” Luke says. “It’s still warm.” Calum shakes his head. Luke leaves him be. He goes to the kitchen to put the bread on the table. When he comes back, Calum is gone. He hears footsteps in the bedroom upstairs, then nothing. With a strange bitter taste on his lips, Luke turns the TV on and watches a program without really looking at the screen.

  
  
January, 2013  
  
Snow covers the garden. Everything sounds muffled, soft. Calum is building a snowman under the oak tree, black boots, thick coat, woolen hat, red nose. The snow man wearing one of his old beanies. Luke provided the scarf. He doesn’t like the cold so he’s watching him from the veranda. When he’s finished, Calum waves at him and tells him to come. “How does he look?” he asks.  
Luke wraps his arm around the young man’s shoulders and he smiles. “He looks lovely,” he says.  
“His name’s Charlie,” Calum laughs. He kisses Luke on the lips. “Let’s go back inside and make hot chocolate.”  
It’s a lazy afternoon, they easily find a way to keep each other warm.

  
  
May, 2013  
  
Calum is not feeling well. That night, like the ten previous nights, he refuses to go to bed. “I’m not tired,” he says. He has dark circles under his eyes. Luke tries to at least make him lie down and read, but the young man keeps pacing around and checking random things out, never for more than ten seconds. Luke tries music, books, even a TV show, but nothing has any appeal to Calum. “Just – go to bed without me,” Calum says a bit curtly. Luke rests his hand on his shoulder, and Calum dissolves into tears. His shoulders are shaking and tears are trickling down his face. It’s almost silent, only an occasional whimper, but he’s holding it in. For two hours, Luke has to hug him. Then he cradles him into sleep.

  
  
August, 2014  
  
Calum’s headache is so horrible it makes him cry. Luke has called the doctor and she prescribed him meds, but they don’t seem to be efficient. On the bed, Calum lies with his red, puffy, puffy, puffy eyes and his dark circles, in a bubble of bitterness and hurt. Luke tries his best to comfort him, even though he knows it probably won’t work, as usual. “We can go to the tearoom tomorrow, if you want to,” he says softly, stroking Calum’s forehead. “Remember the iced coffee with caramel you like so much? We can order that, and chocolate brownies, too.” He smiles gently. Calum says he doesn’t want to. Luke suggests the park or a museum, but Calum refuses again. Luke lies down next to him and wraps an arm around him. Calum cries harder.

  
  
July, 2011  
  
His Starbucks iced tea in his hand, Luke looks at clothes shops in the street. The sun is high up in the sky and a fresh wind is blowing. He enters American Apparel, and looks at their jeans. It’s time he buys new ones, almost every single pair he owns has holes at the knees. He likes the clothes there. When Luke grabs t-shirts and sweaters, he has to do a little dance to avoid dropping his drink. That’s when the shop assisant comes to him. “ _Hello there._ Want some help?” Luke sees golden skin and dark brown eyes and he smiles. “I could use some.”  
When he leaves the shop with _Calum_ ’s number, Luke thinks he was right to go there.

  
  
February, 2013  
  
“What’s wrong?” Luke asks. Calum has his face buried in his hands and he’s sitting on the sofa, back hunched. He doesn’t look up. He shrugs. Luke rubs his shoulders. Calum’s brown sweater is soft under his touch, but strangely, not warm. Luke slips his hand underneath the fabric and he touches Calum’s skin. Again, it’s cold. Calum curls up even more. “We can go to bed early tonight if you’re tired.”  
“I’m not tired,” Calum snaps. Sharp tone, harsh voice.  
Luke takes his hand back. “Sorry.” He gets up. Calum doesn’t move an inch. “What do you want for dinner?”  
“Not hungry,” Calum replies. In the end, Luke isn’t really hungry either.

  
  
December, 2011  
  
As soon as Luke and Calum come back from the party, they collapse on the bed and their clothes fly to the floor. Alcohol runs in Luke’s veins. He kisses Calum’s neck, his shoulders, his chest and his belly, then he takes him in his mouth. In the bedroom, Calum’s moans ring clear and loud. His fingers comb Luke’s golden hair, tensing up when pleasure comes to him. After a while, Luke sits up and he guides Calum’s hand between his thighs. The night isn’t ending soon.

  
  
October, 2014  
  
When Luke comes home that night, Calum is sleeping. It’s half past five. Luke closes the door quietly. He watches TV and listens to music, wondering why Calum went to bed at that time. He quit his job a while ago and now he sleeps all day. Luke thinks it’s a good thing, if it can soothe him and relieve him from the headaches and the moods. At seven, Luke starts cooking dinner. When it’s ready, he climbs the stairs and knocks on the door of the bedroom softly. “Calum? Dinner’s ready. There’s mashed potatoes, the ones you like, with the grilled cheese on top,” he whispers.  
Calum’s replies comes after a minute. “I don’t want anything.”  
That night, Calum isn’t the only one crying himself to sleep.

  
  
September, 2013  
  
“You have all the symptoms of depression, Calum,” the doctor says. “I cannot prescribe you anything for the moment, but I can give you the phone number of a psychiatrist, so that you can be helped. Would you like that?” Luke fidgets on his seat. Calum hasn’t looked at the doctor once in the entire appointment. His hands are squeezed between his thighs. He wears black jeans, Luke knows they’re old.  
“No, thank you,” the young man says finally. The doctor frowns, glances at Luke, at his computer, then he clears his throat.  
“Very well. Do call me if you need anything.” Luke and Calum get up, and they leave.  
“Why didn’t you say yes?” Luke asks once they’re outside.  
“I’m not insane,” Calum replies. “I don’t need anything.”

  
  
September, 2011  
  
“Oh,” Luke breathes. The flowers are beautiful. Pale, pink, delicate roses. Calum smiles shyly, handing the bouquet out to him. Luke grabs it, smells the fragrance coming from the flowers, and he smiles at Calum. “Thank you so much.” He leans in for a kiss, and Calum strokes his cheek.  
“So, are we going to the restaurant or not?”  
Luke laughs and they walk to the car. That night out was a very romantic idea, in his opinion. Calum looks very happy. The restaurant is in a pretty street full of trees and flowers. They’re almost starting to wither, but not quite yet. There’s still a bit of time before autumn comes. Luke can’t take his eyes off Calum. When they get back home, they make love twice before falling asleep.

  
  
April, 2015  
  
“I told you a hundred times, I hate it when you treat me like a baby,” Calum spits. Luke looks down at the floor, still holding the DVD box.  
“But, I thought you’d like to…just lie down and watch a movie, I thought…it would make you feel better,” he says. He can hear his voice shaking and he hates it.  
“You thought wrong,” Calum replies curtly.  
“How’s your headache?” is all Luke manages to say. Calum shakes his head faintly, looking incredulous. Luke doesn’t know what he’s done wrong. Calum says nothing else. He stands there for a moment, then turns around and goes upstairs. On the verge of tears, Luke sits in the kitchen, and stares at something he doesn’t really see.

  
  
December, 2014  
  
Luke opens the door of the bathroom, humming a song. He opens his eyes wide. He didn’t expect to find Calum curled up under the shower, completely wet, and above all, completely clothed. Luke rushes to the shower cubicle and turns off the water. Calum doesn’t look up. “Why did you…” Luke trails off. Calum’s right eye twitches and he doesn’t reply. “Why didn’t you take off your clothes to shower?” Luke asks low.  
“I-I-I don’t know,” Calum says emotionlessly. Luke sighs. Sadly, he helps Calum get up, undresses him and puts his clothes into the laundry basket. Calum stands there and looks at him, slightly pissed off.  
“Come on, I’ll make you tea. Get dressed, you don’t wannacatch a cold,” Luke says. Calum goes to the bedroom to put on some clothes, but he never goes to the kitchen to drink his tea.

  
  
July, 2015  
  
“I need you Calum, I want you in me,” Luke moans breathlessly as Calum kisses his neck and leaves a hundred red marks like flowers on his skin. They fall onto the bed and he starts grinding against Calum, feeling him hardening underneath. He’s never felt so aroused in a long time. Luke pulls the clothes off the young man’s body, shirt and jeans and underwear, and he slides backwards, taking him in. He whimpers in pain but starts to move, and Calum closes his eyes with a cry. They fuck hard and fast, and it leaves them panting and shuddering for long after they have finished.

  
  
October, 2011  
  
“We could move in together. There’s that small house in Lily Street, the one with the white walls and the light pink camellia near the front door – the owner is selling it, I saw it in town,” Calum says as they have brunch in the tearoom. “I’ll take a look through the magazines to see if there’s something else but we can always view it.” Luke finds the idea amazing. It’s only been a few months since they started dating, but he already knows he’s in love with him. He tells Calum how happy that makes him, and the young man laughs. It makes his dark eyes shine like liquid chocolate. Luke feeds him pieces of croissant and enjoys seeing him grin.

  
  
February, 2015  
  
Now Luke wishes he hadn’t forced Calum to eat what he had cooked for dinner. Because now the young man is throwing up his insides into the toilets, face as white as a sheet. Everything – the beef, the tomatoes, even the coke. It floats in the water, disgustingly thick. “I’m sorry,” Luke whispers, rubbing his back slowly, repeatedly. Calum retches one last time then he breathes in and out deeply. He wipes his mouth with toilet paper. He seems not to want to vomit anymore. But now his tears are what fall into the toilets. They’re big, twinkling, but also silent. Luke’s heart aches. He picks him up and carries him to the shower, undresses him and makes him go under the water. He takes off his own clothes, steps in with him, and gets down on his knees.

  
  
July, 2014  
  
Luke’s heart skips a beat when he sees the razor in Calum’s hand and the two scarlet cuts on the young man’s wrist. “What are you doing?!” he cries out, running to him and taking the razor from him. Calum looks up and stares at him without a word. A little drop of blood trickles down his hand, staining the tiling. Luke inhales and exhales, without knowing what to do. Finally, he apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs, putting the razor away. He crouches down on the bathroom floor, next to Calum, and wraps him in his arms. He doesn’t even want an explanation. “Promise me you won’t do that again,” he says. Calum shrugs. That’s all Luke can get from him that day.

  
  
September, 2015  
  
“Leave me alone!” Calum shouts. “I don’t want your stupid comments about how I should eat this or that, read this or that, do this or that or call that fucking psychiatrist! Go away, Luke, I don’t wanna talk to you!”  
“I’m sorry?” Luke exclaims. “You’re being an ungrateful prick, Calum! I’ve been staying by your side all these months because I _love_ you, and I’m desperately tring to help you and make you feel better, but all you do is push me away! I understand you have that fucking depression or whatever it’s called, but sometimes you need to stop acting like a martyr because shit happens to _everyone_!” With that, Luke runs to the bedroom and he slams the door. Downstairs, Calum seems to have gone away.

  
  
November, 2015  
  
When Luke comes back home and calls Calum, he doesn’t really expect any reply. He drags himself to the bathroom tiredly. He can’t wait to feel relaxed. Only what he finds isn’t a clean, grapefruit-scented shower. It’s Calum’s body under the pouring water, with his left wrist covered in blood. He runs to the telephone, trips, falls, sobs, calls an ambulance, cradles Calum and tells him it’s all gonna be okay. Faintly, he feels his heart beating. Or maybe he just imagines it. The ambulance seems to take hours to get there. But at last, they drive Calum to the hospital. Luke stays by his side all night, and he doesn’t even sleep for a second. The next morning, all Calum does is stare at the hospital room wall blankly. Luke thinks he’s never looked that bad.

  
  
December, 2015  
  
Calum seems to have got better. He’s eating normally again, and tries to do things from time to time, like reading or watching movies with Luke. His sadness has faded. Or maybe he’s hiding it better. They have sex often, almost every night, but Luke can’t help noticing how Calum doesn’t hold him in his arms sleepily for hours afterwards like he used to do. Sometimes, he even leaves the bedroom to have a shower before he sleeps. He refused to explain why he tried to kill himself the month before. Luke hopes that it won’t happen ever again.

  
  
January, 2016  
  
It does. And this time, Luke doesn’t get back home in time.

  
  
October, 2018  
  
Luke goes through his CD collection, and when he finds Blink-182’s Greatest Hits album, a smile forms on his lips. He remembers how Calum and he used to listen to it together and sing the lyrics obnoxiously loud and off-tune. He gives it a try, and plays it. At first, it only makes him happy, but when he reaches the last part of the album, he stops what he was doing. Suddenly, _I Miss You_ speaks to him on a whole new level. Luke thinks about the last time he went to see Calum. It was too long ago. He puts on his coat, goes out, and gets in his car. A quarter of an hour later, he parks it between two small trees in the street. He walks to the graveyard. Calum’s grave is in the left part, under trees. Luke hasn’t brought flowers. He thinks he should have. He’s cold. He hugs his chest. Shivering, Luke crouches down in front of the grave. It always feels weird to think Calum isn’t here anymore. Luke brushes the stone with his fingers. He smiles. _“Hello there.”_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed! i know this is very lame and overly dramatic but i still wanted to post it somehow


End file.
